When I say I hate you, I’m not talking about your particular combination of letters, vowel and consonant sounds, the way you taste when I speak you. A rose by any other name, right?
When I say I hate you more than (probably) most venereal diseases, I don’t say it out of that dark place in my heart I’ve reserved for My Chemical Romance lyrics and biographical information about the Madden brothers (really). I say it from the other part of my heart: the part that values things like intelligence, self-respect, puppies, morally complex female characters with superpowers, Pictionary…
Why seems it so particular to me, you say? Nay, it is. I know not “seems,” bitch.
I’m not the first person to hate on you, oh New Girl buzzword, and I won’t be the last, but hear me out. Understand why I want to burn your image from my mind, gouge out mine eyes and boil the very brains I have used to construct this sentence.
I hate you because
- you’re tacky
- and condescending
- and redundant.
- You simultaneously pander to the mainstream while pretending not to.
- And, okay, maybe a little of my former Hot Topic wannabe self is rejecting you on principle.
But look what they’ve done to you! Can you blame me?
REDUNDANT: Right off the bat, we have some problems here. When were “dorky” and “adorable” even mutually exclusive? This is 2012, and I’m pretty sure the glasses-wearing, rail thin look has been ”in” since I was a naive baby high school sophomore. You’re not trying hard enough.
INSULTING: “A higher state of being all dorks strive towards.” Okay, a) it’s “toward” and b) no they don’t what what is happening I don’t strive for that shit get me out of here thanks.
I want you to do something for me right now: picture yourself in a public space – maybe a school hallway or a cafe. An acquaintance of yours approaches you, and in an even tone of voice, with a straight face, says to you: “You’re intelligent, but endearingly so. You know, you’re downright adorkable.”
It doesn’t work. It doesn’t come across as a compliment. Why? Because of that but. You’re intelligent but. You’re interesting and. Anyone actually deserving of this “compliment” should at least be a little miffed.
JUST GAG ME WITH A SPOON ALREADY.
Okay, so in conclusion:
- you – adorkable – are a stupid word
- everyone should avoid you at all costs
- i want my stuff back, asshole
- the end
– Taylor Brogan