A Beginner’s Guide to Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson is my future husband. I understand that some people think I’m kidding or that I’m being hyperbolic for the sake of the internet’s sense of humor. Those people are wrong. Okay, we are betrothed. It’s going to happen.

Like with all great romances, RPattz and I have our obstacles. There’s KStew, for one. A lot of people have been hating on her for her lack of facial expression diversity and for that time she cuckolded my beloved, but honestly, I think she’s a pretty rad chick. So she touches her hair all the time and says a lot of bad-awkward things. Who doesn’t? Like, we are the people of Tumblr, and she is one of us.

The biggest obstacle we face, though, is not his serious long-term girlfriend. It’s not even the fact that I’ve never met him and probably never will barring some kind of extreme stalking situation that I totally have not devoted a lot of serious thought to…

No. The biggest obstacle we face, dear readers, is Twilight.

People don’t care that he is genuinely one of the weirdest and funniest guys alive. Forget the fact that nobody hates Edward Cullen as much as Robert Pattinson does. He was in TWILIGHT. That is downright UNFORGIVABLE.

And I get it. I think the romance in Twilight is about as bad as it gets. Bella is a terrible role model for adolescent girls, and Edward is a glorified stalker. But Robert Pattinson is not Edward Cullen, and because I am so fond of lists, here are 7 Things I Love About RPattz:

1) He still doesn’t have a publicist. Maybe he’s exaggerating, but I don’t know. According to the hilarious interview he did post-cheating-scandal with Jon Stewart, he’s too cheap to hire somebody to deal with all of the publicity crap for him. Hey, I’m too cheap to buy tupperware! It’s a match made in heaven!!1!

2) He is incredibly bad at fitness. Whenever anybody mentions Taylor Lautner’s abs, Rob starts to laugh and comment on his absolute lack of them. And while his face was certain sculpted by the gods of jawporn, he really does have a sort of average joe thing going on. This is good! I hate exercise! We can stay inside and watch Netflix together and joke about how much we hate ourselves! Here he is talking about going to the beach in Australia and generally just being self-conscious.

3) He buys his cars used. And on Craigslist. No seriously. He just like, shows up at peoples houses and buys things from them on Craiglist. He even barters, because he’s cheap. WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME YET.

4) He has a magical friendship with Reese Witherspoon. I was never a huge R-Spoon fan, but they seem to have this very cool, weird, mystical bond. I don’t know why, but this interview is one of the rare moments when he talks about REAL things, and it kind of made me cry a little bit? I don’t know. Leave me alone.

5) He’s actually really weird and awkward. In almost every interview, he says something inexplicable, bizarre, and/or completely uncalled for. Here is a screenshot of the google image search for “robert pattinson derp,” which sums it up pretty nicely, I think.

6) He hates cats. Or maybe he doesn’t? But I’m taking this as confirmation. Hey, I’m totally allergic to cats. We can hang out in our cat-free trashcan together and adopt dogs and name them after serial killers or whatever you wanna do honey boo boo.

7) And okay. He is really handsome. And he can sing like a motherfucking angel. And he wants to have a bunch of children. And I could keep going, but I’ll leave it here because I’m having trouble breathing.

Honey, if you’re reading this, I love you. Please don’t ever date Taylor Swift. KBye.

Taylor Brogan, Contributing Editor

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About Taylor Brogan

Managing Editor - inconnu magazine. Tweets @thbrogan.

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