For any non-cinephiles in the house, Lincoln is one of those anticipated, Oscar-bait movies-of-the-year. Generally, this means it’s going to be aesthetically pleasing but maybe slightly gritty, have lots of dry, witty dialogue co-mingled with inspiring speeches. Starring a couple of established actors with award-worthy careers who’ve undergone a few physical transformations either from crazy, dedicated-to-their-craft dieting or a well-paid make-up department. While too many of these movies at once might drive you nuts, there’s nothing wrong with them – you can’t hate Hollywood for sticking to a formula that works when it produces a quality film. So, obviously, when I walked into the fourth sold out showing of Lincoln on a Saturday night, I was expecting a really serious, somewhat historically inaccurate, overall uplifting movie about one of America’s best presidents. Well, here are some (kind of spoiler-y) things I didn’t know about Lincoln that I’d like to share with you.
- It’s a goddamn comedy! I’m serious. I mean, yeah, it had its inspirational moments – quite a lot of them, even. But they were never more than five minutes from a joke, and most of them purposefully told by Honest Abe himself. Basically what I’m saying is, Lincoln could totally host SNL if he were around today.
- No, but seriously, Lincoln constantly tells silly stories with ~deeper meanings and sometimes the punch lines are relatively crude jokes, and everyone else just rolls their eyes at him.
- BASICALLY, screenwriter Tony Kushner is trying to tell us all that Abraham Lincoln was the real-life incarnation of the president from The West Wing.
- Actually, half of the characters are just parallels to The West Wing. Including James Spader. (YES, you can now connect this movie back to Pretty in Pink when playing The Movie Game. What else do you need from life?)
- Here, let me prove it to you:
- Apparently it is, in fact, possible to make Joseph Gordon Levitt look unattractive. And the key is: a mustache. Apparently even he isn’t hipster enough to pull one off.
- Speaking of absolutely horrendous hair, they all wear ridiculously bad wigs and Tommy Lee Jones takes a break from being a badass to make a quick self –deprecating joke about it.
- Did I mention Tommy Lee Jones IS A TOTAL BADASS? He deserves 2 Oscar nominations for this movie: one as Best Supporting Actor, and one as Best Use of Badassery in a Historical Film.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt, on the other hand, tries and fails to be a badass by following a trail of blood and crying about it. (Hey man, you missed the Trail of Tears by about thirty years or so.) He seriously just can’t win in this movie.
- If you are a fan of Lena Dunham, at some point during this movie you will internally scream, “THAT’S THE GUY WHO IS ALWAYS NAKED ON GIRLS!” (Spoiler alert: When you turn to your companion to whisper the exact same phrase, they will very calmly and seriously ask, “Which one.”)
- Also, Lee Pace is in this movie, but he is evil and refuses to give Abraham Lincoln a pie OR bring his dead son back to life, which is pretty rude if you ask me or Stephanie Tanner.
And that’s it. That’s Lincoln. The Myth. The Man. The Movie.
-Gabrielle Costa, Staff Writer