My name is Geraldine Benson. I was born in March of 1978. Before you go making any assumptions, I should mention that, despite being named Geraldine, I am a man. In late 1998, I won 50 million dollars in the lottery and used the money to invent time travel in an attempt to transport myself to a future more tolerant of my feminine name. I ended up in the year 2253. After a couple shady deals with some even shadier characters, I established myself as a citizen of The United Provinces of North America. I enrolled in a university, and after a few two-hour neural implantation sessions, I walked away with a degree in post 20th century history. I send this message to prepare you for what lies ahead, for your future.
Here is a rough timeline of 2013 as defined by our records:
- Joseph Kony makes a New Year’s resolution to stop using children in his military but breaks this resolution three days later when he passes a surprisingly fit five-year-old in the market.
- A street musician from Akron, OH wins the Grammy for Best New Artist, despite never receiving a nomination.
- In order to prevent future school shootings, the U.S. eliminates the public school system entirely.
- The Japanese create the first ever autonomous service robot and begin mass production on home and corporate models.
- To protect its citizens from a robotic uprising, the U.S. cuts off all trade with Japan, almost collapsing the video game and hentai markets.
- American gamers create the nerdiest black market in history.
- American perverts create the most tentacled black market in history.
- NASA discovers an alien spacecraft in orbit 50,000 miles above Earth’s atmosphere.
- The spacecraft lands on Independence Day and Jeff Goldblum locks himself in a bunker under Mt. Baker.
- Global warming reaches its peak, and the first polar bears that evolved fins are found and fittingly labeled “sea bears.”
- The Curiosity rover finds a cat-like specimen on Mars and instantly kills it.
- The aliens from the spacecraft are assimilated into society and are given their own reality show.
- The Canadian government uses a tax surplus to buy the U.S.
- Michelle Obama divorces her husband, as he is no longer “the virile cesspool of manhood [she] married.”
- The Jewish men and women who celebrate Christmas instead of Hanukkah form a new religion.
– Geraldine Benson, Time Traveler/Patrick McDonald, Staff Writer