Veronica Mars: Patron Saint of Snark. You know what they say – she’s a marshmallow. If I could Freaky Friday with any of my favorite fictional badasses, it would be you, Veronica. To spend a day in your gum-shoes, exchanging quips with your quippy father, capturing cheating spouses in the act at the Camelot, and hate-flirting with Logan Echolls? Count. Me. In.
But seeing as Veronica Mars isn’t a real person (and neither are magical body-swapping fortune cookies), here is a list of tips and tricks I’ve picked up from the pint-sized private eye herself:
1. Don’t Let the Man Get You Down. So your boyfriend dumps you, your best friend is murdered, and the rest of your so-called friends treat you like the scum between their teeth? Just cut your hair, shorten your skirts, and fight fire with crime scene photos. And if you’re not up for all that, just keep your chin up, say “FUQ THA H8ERS,” and always be prepared with a snappy comeback. Because life is full of assholes, but that doesn’t mean you have to let them ruin your day.
2. Surround Yourself with Experts. Computer hacking is tough, but making friends with computer hackers is super easy! Life is too short to learn how to do everything yourself, so just make sure you’re BFFs with the leader of the local biker gang, a deputy sheriff, a computer genius, and a bunch of super rich kids. Easy!
3. Invent Your Own Style. The best way to set yourself apart from a crowd is to take a good, long look at what they’re doing and then do the opposite. Trade in the pink cashmere and long, silky hair for some chokers, leather boots, and mini-buns. You’ll be turning heads in no time.
4. Cry in Your Car. It’s okay. Let it out. There’s no crying in baseball, but there’s totally crying in private investigating. Just don’t let the bad guys know they got to you. Emotions are cool, and in no way do they make you weak, but sometimes playing it off like John Travolta is the best way to move on.
5. Just Don’t Leave it to Beaver. This one is fairly self-explainatory. And if it isn’t, then watch the damn show already.
–Taylor Brogan, Contributing Editor