Featured art by Molly
Digital Photo of You and your Designated Friend Group, Bein’ Friends – You don’t have many interests, but that’s okay, because you’re probably also not reading this article. (Alternately, you have a life and I’m just a little bit jealous.)
Disposable Camera Photo of You and your Friends, Not Giving a F$%& – You take a lot of pride in your interests. I bet you organized your music likes chronologically and by genre. But you secretly loved Twilight before it was mainstream. I know you did.
~*~ Stock Photography ~*~ Hey mom!!
Your Adorable Children: Congratulate yourself on figuring out how to even upload a cover photo. And then kindly delete your Facebook. (I’m kidding, children are great. And ageism is real.) (Seriously, mom, I’m kidding.)
Your Adorable Grandchildren: You have commented on your niece’s status about the series finale of 30 Rock, telling her that she’s a beautiful young lady and asking her to email you.
Cute Animals!: Read this thing about understanding “Horse Girls” because that’s basically it.
Hilarious Screenshot from your Favorite TV Show: This person is flawless. You should trust this person with your life.*
Promo for a Project You’re Working On – You got a Facebook to keep in touch with people from high school, but you have a life outside the internet, and you don’t really care what people think of you. You just want them to come see your play, because you’ve been working on it for the last four months and you’ve earned that much, goddamn it.
You as a Child: You bake a lot. Like, a lot.
Picture of the City you Live in: You really, really have a life outside of Facebook. Probably a pretty successful one. I haven’t talked to you since the last time I saw you. I miss u girl. Have less of a life so we can talk more.
Beautiful Scenes of Nature: I don’t want another pretty face. I just want you and yr beautiful soul ;)
CURRENT POPULAR MEME: EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS FUNNY. I BET YOU STILL SING “FRIDAY” ON FRIDAYS. KEEP DOING THAT IT’S GREAT.
Artsy Picture of You: We know.
Picture of You in front of a Famous Landmark: This can be read in a number of ways: (1) as a badge of general well-traveled-ness, (2) as a “take THAT” to all the kids you went to high school with who are still living at home, (3) as proof to your well-traveled friends that you’ve seen the Eiffel Tower, too, and living at home when you’re 23 is perfectly okay, or (4) you think that this is just what a cover photo is supposed to be, right?
But, I don’t have a cover photo: I probably want to date you. Email me firstname.lastname@example.org
*May or may not be my current cover photo.