Heathers is iconic. It truly was the first Mean Girls. At its release, it was the rebellious-big-sister-with-a-motorcycle-riding boyfriend alternative to your standard Molly Ringwald-starring John Hughes movie. It’s the ultimate black comedy, and in a Hollywood where remakes never end, it’s one of the ones that could actually have potential. It’s a movie about feminism and not being mean to your fellow women (literally, it is Mean Girls with slightly less sex and a bit more murder). Nothing is quite what you expect at Westerberg High, and everything is ridiculous and high stakes, making it a teen comedy that’s just begging for some of the greatest (and potentially underappreciated) actors of our generation.
Veronica Sawyer – Jennifer Lawrence
As I went through my mental rolodex of actresses to find the perfect casting, I initially skipped right over Jennifer. An Oscar-winning goofball with amazing range for an angsty black comedy? I started to tell myself she was better than Heathers when I came to two conclusions. One: NO ONE is better than Heathers. This goes back to the whole debate over the phrase ‘guilty pleasure’, and while I’m not sure where I stand on that, I do know that I firmly believe in the quality of this movie, and the quality of many movies that are overlooked purely because they are in the “teen comedy” genre. And, two: The part of Veronica Sawyer is a really meaty part. Winona Ryder herself is an amazing actress who brought a lot to the role, and Jennifer Lawrence could do the same. It would be great for her, because it’s something she hasn’t really gotten to do before, and at the same time she certainly wouldn’t be purely imitating Winona’s Veronica (which is the downfall of almost every remake). Imagine Jennifer Lawrence scream-singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” to make her crazy boyfriend shut up? Or trying to “hock up a phlegm globber.” It’s a pretty beautiful thing.
Other Considerations: Kristen Stewart, Shannon Woodward
Jason Dean (“JD”) – Robert Pattinson
I promise this isn’t 100% related to the fact that this part is the perfect marriage of Edward in Twilight and Robert Pattinson’s personal brand of crazy. Basically, this movie makes part of a comedy everything that Edward does (and Robert makes fun of). He’s murderous and intense, he sneaks into his girlfriend’s bedroom without her permission via window, he develops an abusive relationship with his love interest, and, oh yeah, he’s fucking psychotic. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m bothering to justify this to anyone. Everyone on the internet should understand.
Other Considerations: There is literally no other option for this part. I refuse to acknowledge anyone else Hollywood or even my closest friends might recommend. I’m sure inconnu editor Taylor will agree.
Heather Chandler (aka Heather #1) – Kristen Bell
Kristen Bell, much like Jennifer Lawrence, is probably not anyone’s first thought for this part. (In fact, she played Veronica in the LA concert-reading of the musical version of Heathers. Don’t start screaming with excitement though, because the musical hasn’t seen the light of day since 2009.) She’s tiny and adorable and funny and cries over sloths. She plays geeky girls and badass good girls, but never the mean girl. My response to that is, why the fuck not? Bell is an extremely strong actress, which Hollywood doesn’t seem to recognize. It takes chops to create a villain who is also a real human being, which is even more important when the villain is a teenage girl who is, to quote every pamphlet about bullying, just as insecure as ever other teenager. Plus, I think she’d be great at delivering what is arguably the greatest line in a teen comedy ever.
Other Considerations: Michelle Trachtenberg
Heather McNamara (aka Heather #2) – Emma Roberts
Ah, Heather #2, or as I like to call her, the forgotten Heather. Seriously, when you think about the plot of this movie in your head, do you even remember that she’s there? Maybe you do and I’m just an asshole. Either way, Heather can’t just be your usual “follower.” She might be the Karen of the group, but she’s far more emotionally upset than that. She’s the viewer’s link to the students who aren’t involved in the supposed Westerberg suicides, and helps us see how seriously its affecting the students. Without Heather #2, the movie wouldn’t be grounded, and that’s the secret to every great black comedy. It’s ridiculous but it’s real. It means something. Emma Roberts surprised me with her wonderfully developed performance in Celeste and Jesse Forever. She’s great at finding the human emotions beneath the stereotype, which is what needs to happen with Heather #2, who goes from popular cheerleader (as cliché as it gets) to depressed, suicidal ‘Tweety.”
Other Considerations: Shailene Woodley, Amanda Seyfried
Heather Duke (aka Heather #3) – Ellen Page
Heather #3 is the ultimate nightmare. Imagine killing the bane of your existence only to wake up and find out that it was all for naught? Heather #3 is even potentially more dangerous because she’d previously been the lowest-ranking member of the group, constantly insulted and taken advantage of by Heather #1. It makes her a ruthless and desperate foe for Veronica, and the actress who plays her has to be able to make both sides (pre- and post- Heather #1’s death) equally believable and strong. Ellen Page is great at playing girls who are reserved but simultaneously don’t take shit, and she’d totally be able to hold her own against Jennifer Lawrence.
Other Considerations: Mae Whitman, Anna Kendrick
Ms. Pauline Fleming – Mindy Kaling
Kurt Kelly/Ram – Josh Hutcherson/Adam Devine