Shut Up and Date Already! Zooey Deschanel and Josh Groban

ZoZo and JoGro copie

By now hopefully we have all stopped irrationally hating Zooey Deschanel, and are back to loving her for the talented vixen that she is. She don’t need no man, but I really just want my main girl to be happy; it’s about time that ZoZo find her Jay-Z. She can’t just keep wailing that gorgeous voice and being a comedic genius forever, she needs someone to come home and make homemade soup for! Damn my patriarchal heart.

Her short-lived marriage to Death Cab frontman Ben Gibbard was a hot mess that I still think about every night as I toss and turn in my bed. Maybe she tried too hard to fix him; maybe he was just past his career-prime, while she was reaching her peak; maybe he just didn’t “get” her. I sometimes imagine that he thought she was one of the characters she plays, and he totally Manic Pixie Dream Girl-ed her. Poor Zooey — it’s hard to be literally perfect.

Finding a worthy man for ZoZo is no easy undertaking– she’s too career driven and successful for any old hipster schmo. She needs someone who is, 1) funny as hell, 2) musically gifted, and 3) an old soul.

She’s has been dating a writer/producer named Jamie Linden, and I should be thrilled for her, but the only movie he’s actually done was Dear John. Dear Jamie, write better movies, and then we can talk.

In the meantime ZoZo, just call me Patti Stanger, cause I have found you your perfect man:

Josh Groban!

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Look at this little cutie (the one on the right) #KoalaSelfie

I’ve been reading Jo-Gro’s tweets to get a sense of his personality, as one does, and he has definitely got one of those endearingly annoying senses of humor. He’s excitable and adorable, like a baby Koala– making it easy to forgive his dumb jokes; I have a feeling that he could be perfect Manic Pixie Dream Boyfriend for ZoZo.

ZoZo and JoGro may have very different musical styles, but they can bond over the fact that their voices are stunning feats of human strength. I can practically picture them doing vocal exercises, a la Sharpay and Ryan.

And look, he likes her music!

Now, just to find a way to get these two li’l beauties to meet…

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About Kellie Hogan

co-founder and creative director of inconnu magazine

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