Summer is coming! For my family, growing up, that always meant multiple trips to the Emergency Room. We’ve busted our knees open like thunderclouds on the pavement, gotten earrings stuck in our earlobes after swimming, and acquired strange rashes from various plants.
This past Saturday I christened my summer of ER visits after a piece of debris flew into my eye and created an abrasion causing much pain. Yes. Ouch. I eventually found my way to the ER, and after the typical 5 to 7 hour wait before being discharged, I made a list of the types of doctors that I observed helping my fellow patients. I left the nurses (for the most part) out of this list because there are too many nurses in my family I truly love and wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt their feelings! To the doctors, well, live with it. After the grueling years of medical school you should be able to deal with a little comedic roast! And yea, I know, most people who end up in the ER are not exactly suffering an emergency–so kudos to you for spending the most time with those who really need your attention!
a. The Seasoned Doctor — She should be retired but can’t get away from the job. She speaks softly and kindly to her patients and wears cargo pants and a wool pullover – you can see her leaving in the wee hours with her bike helmet on, ready to ride home to her penthouse brooklyn heights apartment.
b. The New “Hippie” Resident– who tells you you have carpal tunnel when really you have a broken hand –and suggests that you take a little bit more tylenol while you are screaming in pain after she looks it up on her iPhone in front of you. She walks away and rolls her eyes because you for some reason have given her attitude-don’t her fairy forest comfy boots look cute though? She totally gets people!
c. The Unprofessional Mid-40s Dude – with the fake tan who hits on all female patients of consenting age and is probably an aspiring plastic surgeon –he’ll def have you admitted and then come visit your room like 10 times at $300 a pop!
d. The Handsome, Young New Doctor — who is really charming with the old ladies and has a harem of young nurses following him around with what appears to be the amount of makeup on that one would wear to the club?????
e. The Research Minded Doctor — who sits behind a computer screen, refusing to make eye contact with anyone that passes by, especially if they are a patient and/or bleeding out and/or have been waiting for more than 5 hours to be seen — sneak behind her and you may find she is in WebMD or Google Search. Yikes.
f. The Old Sage Doctor — either south american or indian, who sits quietly in the corner and is only called to the floor when everyone else can finally admit that they have no fucking clue what they are doing.
While you are sitting waiting this summer with a sunburn that causes you a cold sweat, make your own list, and compare it to mine. I’m sure you’ll see much of the same. Trust me, I have a lot of experience!