Twenty-four celebrities rise from the ground on circular platforms. The arena is a lush, green forest filled with the noise of wild animals. Birds sing in the trees and unicorns prance in the distance. Could this be Kesha’s home planet? The tributes stand on identical circular platforms, evenly spaced apart in a circle. At the center of the circle is the Cornucopia, filled with everything a celebrity might want or need to survive: food, water, weapons, coupons for plastic surgery. Suddenly, Simon Cowell’s voice booms from overhead. “Happy Hunger Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor!” he says. He begins to count down from ten. The tributes prepare themselves for the oncoming fight. As Cowell reaches one, a loud booming sound echoes throughout the arena, signifying that the Celebrity Hunger Games has begun.
Christina Aguilera steps off her platform and immediately runs toward the forest, as quickly as her stubby legs can carry her, not stopping once, except to pick up a container of expensive collagen-enhanced skin cream lying on a rock. She runs through the forest as sticks and twigs get caught in her hair. She can hear screaming behind her in the clearing around the Cornucopia as the other celebrities fight each other. Christina runs for as long as she can until she finds herself on the edge of a cliff. She collapses onto the ground, crying.
“I am beautiful,” she warbles to herself as she picks foliage out of her hair.
She sits there, rocking back and forth for several minutes listening to the sound of singing birds in the trees. Suddenly she hears a twig snap behind her. She spins around.
“SWAGGY!” screams what sounds like a little girl, but it is really Justin Bieber. He rushes towards Xtina along the edge of the cliff, carrying an enormous axe that is much larger than his body but much smaller than his ego. Xtina begins belting out the lyrics to her hit single “Fighter,” causing the ground to shake and the trees to shudder. Her powerful vocal cords produce a supersonic blast that sends Justin Bieber off the edge of the cliff, causing him to fall to his death.
Half a mile away, Tyra Banks sashays through the forest: she is a supermodel, and the arena is her runway. Suddenly, a blurred figure comes rushing toward her with a knife. It is a snarling Lindsay Lohan who has clearly just snorted three to four pounds of coke that she found in the Cornucopia. Tyra sashays faster, but Lindsay is coming up fast behind her. In Tyra’s eyes, the forest becomes nothing but a blur of green and brown as the chase continues, until Tyra suddenly finds herself standing before a tall rock wall.
“What are you gonna do now?” taunts Lindsay Lohan as she brandishes her knife. A smirk appears on her face as she advances toward the cornered supermodel.
Tyra begins to scream: “Be quiet Lindsay! What is wrong with you? Stop it! How dare you! I was rooting for you, we were ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!”
Lindsay does not pause in her advance, her crazy eyes widening as the drugs continue to take effect.
“Well, well Tyra,” says Lindsay when she is only a few yards away. “Looks like I’ve got you cornered. Someone else is about to become America’s Next Top Model, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Suddenly, Tyra begins laughing. “Oh, but there is something I can do about it Lindsay.”
Lindsay Lohan stops in her tracks, her eyes narrowing. “And what exactly is that?”
“Smize,” whispers Tyra. She opens her eyes a quarter of an inch, and suddenly laser beams shoot from them, setting the trees around the two women ablaze. Lindsay Lohan screams, terrified. Tyra slowly turns her head toward Lindsay, her eyes glowing orange. Lohan stares back, unable to move, continuing to scream.
“You wanna be on top?” whispers Tyra as she blasts Lindsay Lohan into a billion pieces with her laser beam eyes.
“Jason Derulo,” sings Jason Derulo as he walks along the edge of a stream. For some reason, he can’t stop singing his own name, and it’s broadcasting his location. In his hands, he holds a sword for self-defense. On his back, he carries a Louis Vuitton backpack from the Cornucopia.
“Jason Derulo,” he sings again, when he suddenly feels nails digging into his neck from behind.
Something strong pushes him, causing him to lose his balance and fall forward. On the ground, he quickly flips onto his back, his right hand grasping for his sword. He looks up but does not see anything or anyone. Slowly, he lifts himself up, brandishing his only weapon.
A girlish giggling comes from underneath a rock by the stream. Jason carefully walks toward the rock with the sword in his hands, ready to attack. He lifts the rock up, but there is no one there. Afraid for his life, he backs slowly toward the forest, hoping the trees will provide cover. Just as he backs against the trunk of a tree, he hears a rustling from above.
He looks up, and the last thing he sees before he dies is Nicki Minaj as she lets herself fall from the branches, screaming “I’M A MUTHAFUCKIN MONSTA!”
Back in the clearing, Chris Brown, holding a medieval mace, slowly sneaks up behind Rihanna. Swinging the mace around his head, he prepares to attack, when Rihanna suddenly turns around.
“OHH HELL NO BITCH,” she screams at him. He lets the mace fly, but Rihanna dodges it and rushes Chris Brown, tackling him to the ground.
“Nooooo,” he whines, crying, as Rihanna slowly begins to beat him to death with a pair of Louboutins from the Cornucopia.
The rest of the clearing around the Cornucopia has mostly emptied out, as the contestants have spread out throughout the arena. The dead bodies strewn around the Cornucopia include Michael Cera, who is one of the whitest people ever, and Taylor Swift, who is also one of the whitest people ever. Lana del Rey stands alone on top of the Cornucopia, spinning in circles, singing “Born to Die” as she raises a knife and stabs herself.
Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen lies on the ground, dying slowly. He had been drunk before he even arrived at the arena, making him an easy target for Nicki Minaj. He stares at the sky, babbling something nonsensical about not being able to die and having tiger blood.
Nearby, Rob Kardashian sits under a tree, crying because he has been stabbed and because he realizes that nobody loves him. Not even his mother. Also, no one will ever buy his designer socks because they’re hideous. Blood continues to flow from his stab wound, aided by the beating of his broken heart. He breathes deeply one last time as he finally accepts that he will never be as successful or as famous as his sisters.
That night, the faces of the fallen are projected into the sky. The night is completely silent, except for a thirty minute period during which Amanda Bynes’ screams fill the air. Pursued by the pack of Career Celebrities, her insanity peaks. She spontaneously combusts, taking with her a slew of bygone child stars. Among the fallen: That’s So Raven, the Mormon actress from Full House, and the white Cheetah Girl.
Somewhere far away in the Capitol, gamemaker Simon Cowell reports to his queen. “The total death toll for the first twenty-four hours is twelve.”
“Excellent,” responds the figure, shrouded in darkness.
To Be Continued…
By Merlin, Contributing Writer. Kwelpsfather.tumblr.com
Illustration by Laura C.