Harry Seinfeld and the Sex Chamber of Nothing

newman“You’re a wizard, Harry,” whispered Ron as he gently twirled Harry’s dark, wispy chest hair, cuddling closer beneath the sheets in Harry’s Manhattan apartment.

Harry took a long drag from his cigarette and thought about the past few months. Harry Seinfeld, a magician-comedian with a secret and a scar, had been having a steamy romance with his best friend Ron Costanza since the two spent a candlelit night together during an extended power outage several months earlier. Harry couldn’t help feeling guilty for his actions with Ron. He knew he didn’t share Ron’s feelings. He longed for someone exotic, someone who could bring something new and exciting into his dull, magical life. As Ron drifted slowly off to sleep, Harry knew his long, sleepless night was just beginning.

The next morning, Harry awoke to find a note from Ron on the nightstand that read: Harry, I’ve gone off to my job at Yankee Stadium, where I work in an office. Have fun today! ~ Ron. Harry rolled out of bed, went to the kitchen, and magicked himself a bowl of cereal. He sat on the sofa and watched Superman cartoons as he ate. He had only been eating for a moment when Kramer burst through the door to his apartment and, with a flick of his wand, conjured a powerful breeze that caused his silken robe to billow around his body, exposing his large, magnificent genitals.

“Harry! You haven’t gotten a phone call from my mother, have you? She’s supposed to be calling today.”

“Why would she call me?”

“Oh. Right. I threw my phone out my window a few days ago. One of those guys who stand like statues was outside, and I wanted to see if I could get him to move.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

“And? Did you?”

“No. Some stupid baby in a stroller got in the way.”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS HARDER)

“Ok. Well, I’m meeting Hermione at the coffee shop soon, so I’ll see you later.”

“Alright,” Kramer said as he sat down on the sofa. “Do you get the porn channels?”

“Yeah, but they’re pay per view.”

“Giddyup!”

Harry made his way down the hall of his apartment building. About halfway down the hall, he looked to his left to see Newman’s large, feathered face peeking out from the shadows of his darkened apartment. With his eyes fixated on Harry, Newman turned his head clockwise a quarter turn and slammed the door with a malicious hoot. Harry shuddered and stepped into the elevator. He took the elevator down three floors and continued out through the front door of his building.

Outside on the street, Harry heard the sound of a payphone ringing. He located the source of the sound and cautiously picked up the receiver. “Hello?” he said, looking around for anyone suspicious.

“Hello. Is this Harry Seinfeld?”

“Ummm… Yes… Who is this?”

“Oh good! My name is Cho Chang. I saw your show the other night and I thought you were so amazing! So, I followed you home and got the number of the closest payphone to your building. I’ve been calling it for the past 12 hours. I’m so glad you finally picked up!”

Harry felt many things well up inside him. The first thing was fear because this woman was clearly insane. The second thing was pride because someone liked his show enough to follow him home. And the third thing was an erection brought on by the thought of having sex with a Chinese woman. Harry had never been with a Chinese woman and thought this might be the perfect opportunity to introduce something exotic into his life.

The two soon-to-be lovers talked for 15 more minutes and decided to meet up at the coffee shop after Harry’s lunch with Hermione. Harry just hoped Hermione wouldn’t have any problems with him pursuing this young Chinese woman. He and Hermione had been lovers in the past, and he still hadn’t told her about his intimacy with Ron because she liked being in control. She liked being able to tie up her friends in her sex chamber whenever she wanted and spend hours on the mutual fulfillment of their sexual desires, sometimes with five or six men and women at a time.

When he arrived at the coffee shop, Harry saw that Hermione had already ordered and was sitting in their usual booth.

“I already ordered for you. I hope you’re ok with a Big Salad.”

Soon after receiving his food, Harry heard someone by the front door call his name.

“Harry! Over here!”

He looked up and noticed a slender young blonde woman waving to him from across the coffee shop.

“It’s me! Cho Chang!”

Harry stared at the woman in disbelief. Surely this couldn’t be the woman he spoke to on the phone. This woman was white. WHITE.

“Cho Chang! Hiiiiiiii!”

Cho made her way over to Harry and Hermione’s booth and sat down next to Harry.

“Hermione, this is Cho Chang! She saw my show and followed me home. She’s here too early. And she’s white! Isn’t that great?”

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS BUT FEELS SYMPATHY FOR HARRY’S SITUATION)

Hermione was not pleased. “Hell. No. Harry is mine! If you want him, you’re going to have to fight me for him, bitch.”

“Fine! I just got my black belt in karate, so bring it on,” said Cho.

“Ladies! There’s no need to fight over me. I know a way we can solve this where everyone wins.”

Hermione and Cho looked at each other meaningfully, and the group made their way to Hermione’s apartment to use her sex chamber.

Once inside the sex chamber, the three lovers readied themselves for their sexual dreamscape. Just as they were about to begin, a large, fat owl swooped through the giant stone vagina on the wall and picked up Harry in its talons. It then carried him out the way it came. As they ascended through the stone vagina, Harry screamed.

“NEWMAN!”

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the creation of JK Rowling and Seinfeld the creation of Jerry Seinfeld. Neither belongs to inconnu magazine. Although, that would be pretty neat.

Art by Laura C.

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About Patrick McDonald

Writer, human. I like to ruin TV shows.

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