Starved For Attention: The Celebrity Hunger Games, Day Two

Before you begin, read Day One here.

kardashiandragonUSETHIS

Walking through the woods are Kanye West and Beyonce, who have formed an alliance. Kanye seems to be searching for something, but will not reveal what it is.

“Kanye, what are we looking for? Is it a church?” asks Beyonce.

“No,” says Kanye. “There’s no church in the wild.”

“Then what is it?”

“Something that will make me invincible.”

“What is it? A weapon? Armor? A shield?”

“You’ll see,” Kanye responds cryptically.

In the capital, Simon Cowell watches as the gamemakers work. This second day has been fairly slow, and if no one dies, he knows the queen will be angry. So he decides it is time to spice things up.

“Release the dragon,” he orders.

Huddled in a cave half a mile from the stream where Jason Derulo was killed by Nicki Minaj, Rihanna and Alicia Keys have teamed up. The first night is over, and through small cracks in the cave, the two singers see yellow rays of sunlight as the sun rises. Rihanna is weak and shaking. Supplies are low; she has not smoked any weed in several hours and is losing her powers. Meanwhile, Alicia Keys gathers up their supplies, preparing to move.

Having packed their possessions into several Chanel bags from the Cornucopia, Rihanna and Alicia Keys walk out. They trek through the woods, refilling their water bottles at streams, and desperately look for some 420 to blaze so that Rihanna can stay alive. Finally, they come to the edge of a cliff. At the top is a dark cave; at the bottom is a field of weed. Rihanna sighs with relief.

All of a sudden, they hear a loud rumble from the inside of the cave. Emerging from it is an enormous dragon with three heads, each head belonging to one of the Kardashian sisters.

“What the hell is that thing?” Alicia screams.

“Don’t be fucking rude!” screeches the Kim head.

The winged beast descends through the air, coming straight for Rihanna and Alicia with its clawed feet extended. The two manage to get out of the way just in time as the creature’s feet hit the ground with an impact that makes the trees shake.

Khloe turns toward Alicia, who is crawling on the ground. Smiling, she breathes a blue stream of flame through her nostrils, setting the area ablaze. Unfortunately for the dragon, setting the area on fire means it has set the weed on fire. Rihanna inhales the fumes, which brings back all of her power. She begins to glow, as Alicia Keys, now aflame, runs around screaming, “Help me! I am on fire! This girl is on fire!”

“Shine bright like a diamond,” sings Rihanna as her glowing body produces an energy beam that she shoots directly at the dragon, leaving an enormous wound. The three heads scream in pain, and the dragon lifts its wings, fleeing into the sky.

Rihanna looks at Alicia Keys, but it is too late to save her. She’s dead. There is nothing Rihanna can do.

The Kardashian dragon continues to soar through the air until it spots a river, where it lands. Kourtney lowers her head to take a sip of water from the river.

“Omg Kourt that’s disgusting this water isn’t bottled OR branded,” says Kim.

Kourtney turns her head to retort, but notices that that Khloe is snarling at a man standing across the river. It is Channing Tatum.

The Kardashian dragon rears back onto its hind legs, letting out an almighty roar, preparing to attack. Channing Tatum rips off his shirt in response. His perfectly sculpted chest reflects the sunlight, blinding the dragon. He flexes his muscles to focus the light even more so that the Kardashian dragon cannot see a thing. Then, Channing raises his right arm and throws a spear that pierces the dragon’s heart, killing it immediately. This man is literally a heartbreaker.

High up in a tree in the middle of the forest, Paris Hilton surveys the land below her, checking for enemies. She spots Britney Spears walking with Justin Timberlake about twenty yards away. She smiles to herself. “Peasants,” she whispers. She raises her arm, holding a knife, ready to throw it and kill them, when she hears a rustle in the tree nearby.

Instinctively, she whips her head around. She sees that several of the leaves in the neighboring tree have turned orange. She frowns for a moment before she realizes that the orange leaves are actually hair, when Nicki Minaj’s head pokes out. Before Paris can react, Nicki lets an arrow fly from her bow, but it misses Paris.

Hilton laughs as she pulls up a tree branch in front of her to guard from further arrows, but Nicki Minaj smiles and lets her arms fall to her sides. A buzzing sound fills the air. Confused, Paris turns her head toward the noise, realizing that Nicki’s arrow was aimed at a beehive.

“BEEZ IN DA TRAP!” screams Nicki as she leaps away from tree to tree, swinging from the branches, leaving behind a screaming Paris Hilton to die.

That night, two tributes’ faces are projected into the sky: Paris Hilton and Alicia Keys have both fallen. As the tributes prepare to sleep, Simon Cowell’s voice sounds through the stadium. “Tomorrow,” he says, “there will be a feast. It will take place in a secret location if you can find it. The location is a grassy field surrounded by a circle of rocks. It is called The Zone. Good luck tributes, and may the odds be ever in your favor.”

There is a moment of silence as the message sinks in, and then, the remaining tributes realize that there is more at stake than just a feast. Because there is one tribute they must never let reach The Zone. Nine of the ten remaining tributes think of that one name, all at the same time. It is a name that makes the birds go silent and the unicorns stop prancing. It is a name that must be spoken with caution. “Kanye,” they whisper, as the wind picks up and the stars begin to blink out.

To Be Continued…

By Merlin, Contributing Writer. Kwelpsfather.tumblr.com

Art by Kaley

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