Welcome to Shark Week, Bitch!

Disclaimer: This is a The O.C + Shark Week crossover fan fiction. We don’t claim to own the rights to these or any other things. The only thing we own is the night (sorry, Miley).

shark week + the oc

Once upon a time, in the botox-injected, under-the-sea town of Newport Lagoon — a place full of sexy young sharks and sea creatures that look much too old to be in High School — there lived the Cohens: Sandy, the Cool Dad Sand Crab with bushy eye-brows and powers of lawyering; his doting wife Kirsten; and their loveable and sarcastic son, Seth the Sea Otter.

One day, Summer, a hot bikini-clad angel fish, and her best friend Marissa, an alcoholic dolphin, invite the mysterious and sexy new-shark-in-town, Ryan, to a raging lagoon party. He isn’t so sure, but eventually decides to attend at the pleas of his nerdy new friend Seth Cohen.

At the party, the boys are just swimming around, minding their own business, when Luke, a vicious hammerhead shark, storms out of the lagoon and onto the sandy beach, instantaneously sprouting two legs and a puka shell necklace. From across the party, Ryan spots Luke and his swarm of angry bro-sharks violently circling around his beloved new otter friend, Seth.

“Hey, back off,” Ryan growls at the bro-sharks.

“We got a problem?” threatens puka-Luke.

“You tell me,” Ryan grunts as he charges at Luke, finn slapping him directly across the mouth. A shark fight quickly breaks out. Ryan gets sucker slapped, and his poor baby otter Seth is badly beaten and bruised.

“Welcome to Shark Week, Bitch!” Luke says with a smirk. “This is how it’s done in the Pacific Ocean!”


The next morning when Kirsten and Sandy see their trashed Range Rover, Sandy looks at his son with his powerful lawyer eyes and asks him, “So this happened in the parking lot of an IMAX movie theater?”

Cohen just shrugs and quips, “Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.”


About Kellie Hogan

co-founder and creative director of inconnu magazine


  1. Will never get past “puka-Luke.”


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