Celebrity Crushes Gone Wrong

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An interesting process happens when one chooses his/her celebrity mate. It is why some women rarely get obsessed by male model types, but rather, the more odd looking actor. If you look at the celebrities which are obsessed over the most, they do not fit the general standard of beauty. Take the movie Inception, for example, and it’s tumblr fan reaction. Not much attention was payed to it’s generically handsome lead actor Leonardo DiCaprio, but rather all they attention was put on the odder looking Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Sure, some of this can be explained by ulterior factors, like who’s funnier or smarter, but I think it’s mostly attributed to our subconscious being somewhat realistic when choosing your mate. When I daydream, even though I can, I never put myself in unrealistic situations. This is because it is way immersive and fun when you know that situation may actually happen. Your subconscious is simply putting up a ceiling to prevent you from getting your hopes up too high, and thus attempting to prevent the heartbreak.  The part your subconscious is not smart enough to figure out, is that, while these people may be more your level in real life, they are celebrities, thus, all 10’s. Thus begins the dilemma, of the celebrity crush. These are it’s stages.

1. Introduction. This is the stage in which you are introduced to your future fantasy mate. It rarely ever begins with love at first sight, not for me anyways. This person is usually one you may find odd, or different in one way or another, whether it be in a positive or negative way. Either way, this person stands out among the other fictional characters. This leads to the next stage…

2. Denial. In this stage, you begin thinking about this character you saw, mostly against your will. Fleeting images of romantic situations involving this character dance through your subconscious. You try to brush these thoughts off, “This person is strange looking, why would I ever be attracted to them?”. Once you begin to realize these thoughts aren’t part of the ironic process theory, you enter the third stage of..

3. Acceptance. In this stage, you accept the truth that you in fact have that bump in your love life known as a celebrity crush. the best way to assure yourself of this is to say “I love (person’s name here) out loud, preferably alone, until it feels natural. I overcame this last night when I screamed it to Greg Puciato himself during a Dillinger Escape Plan concert.

4. Obsessions. If you have a celebrity crush, there is a 60% chance of progressing to this stage. Chances are increased to 99% if you have access to tumblr. This stage is characterized by searching your crush’s name in google images and looking through every. single picture. For those unfortunate to be obsessed with someone really famous, this process could take years. Another characteristic of this stage is listening to every interview, and reading every blog post or tweet this person has written. This process can be pretty fun and interesting if you find yourself obsessed with someone intellectually stimulating. Otherwise, get used to a lot of “it was an honor working with (director/bandmate)”. Boooring. Once you exhaust every little piece of online information about your crush, you have to resort to your imagination. or even worse, fanfiction. This is when the real deprived thoughts begin. I won’t get into detail on those. You begin to put yourself into impossible scenarios, with the outcome always being your crush and you getting married and having children.

5. Depression. This stage begins after you wake up from a night of fantasizing about you and your crush spending your entire life together down to the petty fights, then realizing none of that is true. Realizing your crush’s spouse or significant other is actually cool and not the evil person you had to save your crush from as per your fantasy definitely doesn’t help in this stage. This stage could lead to staying up all night crying because you don’t think you’re attractive enough. You may try to look up negative rumours about that celebrity in hopes you can find something to make your virtual love go away. However, like everything you get upset about, this sense of despair goes away, along with your celebrity crush. Congrats you’re mentally single.

There aren’t any real solutions to this problem, but here is my (totally ridiculous but last resort) idea that may help.  Stop watching blockbusters and switch to small independent movies, listen to bands with 103 facebook likes and watch shows that air at 3am. This way, when that seemingly random person wanders into that part of your brain built for obsession, you won’t be too far from reality. In fact, you may be able to talk to them online and maybe even meet them in person. In fact, I met my current boyfriend this way. And he is still WAY out my league. So keep your head up.

Art by Molly

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One comment

  1. OMG hilarious! The worst though? Is when your celebrity crush is the 30-years-ago version of someone who in his or her present state is old enough to be your parent. So you have to go around saying, well, I love ___, but only from 1983 to 1990.”

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